Thursday, August 16, 2012

Captain's Blog, Supplimental: Stardate 20120815.2137

I'm not going to pretend it hasn't been a considerable time since I last posted here, but since I can't make up for it I'm not going to dwell on it. Instead, you all get to be witness to what a basically random thoughts in my head. Somewhere in all this rambling a pattern or psychology may begin to emerge, maybe, and if not, well at the least, it should be entertaining.

So since the last posting here Facebook has come into it's own, I get the feeling I'll be able to share this there somehow. Things have drastically changed in those many years. 3 right knee surgeries, another child, several changes in assignment, a housing move, even a few cars. But what does all that boil down to? In the end life continues, yes? So what of it then? This is something of an existential several of the voices (relax they're all versions of me) in my head have been having with each other. I'd wait and report on what they come up with, but they seem to be stuck, and I'm a bit impatient besides. I'm not exactly in the middle of a why are we here conversation, I find those a bit dull and played out. No, what I'm chewing over is, how do I define myself, or perhaps, more broadly spoken, how do we define ourselves. Over the years the Army has told me I need to get my priorities right, what they are really saying is I need to conform to their mindless programming; sorry, not going to happen. When presented with this statement, however, I usually reply thusly: I am a Christian first, a father second, a husband third, and a soldier fourth. Let me tell you, the Army does not enjoy or appreciate that priority listing. Never exactly cost me much sleep. Now certainly, my definition could be used to define me. Any of those "titles" would suitably define me, and there is nothing wrong with any of those titles, however, I find myself searching for something more. If I had a dollar for every time I was called a smart person I'd likely never have to work again. But to what end? I cannot help but feel that if I apply myself towards some venture that I could be quite successful. The difficulty is I cannot seem to focus myself into any one direction; one of the reasons college never appealed to me. The idea of focusing all my energies on one topic just hasn't ever appealed to me. It feels like I'd be limiting myself in some way or forcing myself into a preconceived standard or image. Yet, high school has been quite some years and I haven't even attempted one direction, much less more than one. So perhaps you understand the existential debate. What I feel I want (because I flip flop on this back and forth so quickly I can hardly keep up) is to leave something behind or change some industry in a way that only I can do; and not in a conceded way, I hardly care if I get any recognition knowing that I accomplished whatever it is I accomplish would be satisfaction enough.

So join my debate. What would you do in my place. Please explain how you have come to the advice or opinion that you choose to leave. I have no problem accepting constructive criticism but I like to know the rationale behind it so that I may form an educated opinion of my own.